Friday's Missing in Action Blog Was....Intentional and Not Forgotten

No, there was no blog yesterday...saved you from a day of boredom. *that's a joke, you are permitted to smile*

Good thing: Today, I woke up in less pain than usual. Not a lot less, but I was able to get out of my bed without needing the help of my husband or the use of the headboard to stand upright. Baby steps... these injections are not a permanent solution...but I'll take the small amount of time in slightly less pain that they have to offer. 

I am sorry that I didn't post yesterday...  This blog is, more than anything else, supposed to function as a place to journal about my life and share the way in which my photography is influenced by my emotions and experiences. However, I met my limit physically.  By the time I sat down after doing all kinds of things I was told not to do the day after the procedure, I just crash landed in my bed without picking up the laptop to post a blog entry.  I did get my new tripod though...looking forward to having some fun with it today, if my back allows me.  :)

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In the meantime, I would like to share a photo I took a while back...I'm feeling quite introspective this week...reflective if you will...

Have you ever asked yourself; which is my preferred version me? The actual person, or the reflection that I cast? I personally preferred my real self because it contains far less bullshit. I can't hide my feelings or my imperfections. 

Have a lovely weekend... 

~Namaste

Baa, baa, baa - baa, baa, baa, baa, baa-baa - I wantED to be sedated...

Today I spent the day in the hospital. It wasn't fun. I hate hospitals. I managed to escape by 6pm so that was a bonus. I had nerve root blocks in 7 areas of my spine and sacroiliac...go 'head, say it, OUCH!

So...here is a photo I took yesterday. I had plans to take photos in the city this morning but time got away from me and I was literally running to be on time...

Sigh...at least tomorrow is Friday and next week, I'm on vacation!

For now, enjoy this lovely wee bee! I do love Bumbles...I can sit and watch them for hours...and sometimes, I do. Bees carry out an important job and should be helped to flourish.

Right, I'm really sleepy from the sedative they gave me today. Time for me to just zone out for the night.

Sweet dreams!

Slow Down...

Is it really August...? Wow!

I feel like this month is eating me alive and I still haven't even come down off of all the stuff I/we had going on last month. I need to breathe, re-center myself and mellow out. I've felt sick for days and the only thing I can think that's causing it is stress and anxiety. Summer...ugh. I miss the days when summer was a time of excitement, fun and adventure. Now it's just the days between snow. When you're an adult, you don't feel the bliss of a summer day in the same way you did as a child. You only feel the day to day-ness of life. Work, sleep, eat, pay the bills, repeat process. Shampoo, rinse, repeat... that's how I see life now. Shampoo, rinse, repeat... Pathetic.

"Most people don't grow up. Most people age. They find parking spaces, honor their credit cards, get married, have children, and call that maturity. What that is, is aging." 

~ Maya Angelou

I do still enjoy every beautiful day that comes into my life. But at some point in that awareness of beauty of sunshine and blue skies, something happens to break up the reverie. A phone call, an email...something, anything to bring the happy moments to a thud, crash landing. Yes...I am dramatic and emotional and worrying and happy. I am ALL of those things. The best part of getting older is you, some of us anyway, you come to accept all that you are including the bad parts. Flawed. That's me.  But I am aware of who and what I am and I accept these things about myself. I refuse to walk through this life just existing. I choose to ask the why of life... No matter how you see me or think you see me, I'm always introspective. Even in the depths of anxiety, I am looking for the lesson, the awareness of it all... the meaning. 

This morning I woke up full of anxiety. This is how my days begin. The awareness of another day beginning. Another day without a job, children, my mother, my dog...is my dog ok?, forcing my husband out of bed so I don't have to hear the incessant noise of his alarm, pain...I feel pain, sometimes so severely I have to take medication and lay in bed waiting for a bit of relief to even move. Then I get up and think...damn. I never wanted to be a housewife. I don't want to do the dishes or the laundry. I'm an academic! I worked HARD to get those degrees. What the hell am I doing as a housewife? That's not a reflection on my husband, it's just how things have gone. Moving to a new country is hard work. Then one day you realize you haven't worked, like had a full time, grown up job in 5 years. And everything takes its toll. I have a medical condition that causes me extreme fatigue. It's just beating the fight out of me. I'm whining aren't I? Shit...sorry.

But... but....today I forced myself out of that drama. I loaded the camera, picked up the bird feeding supplies and went outside with my dog. I refilled the bird feeders, hung some suet and "fat balls" (I know...right?) and then took a walk with Hamish. We sat on the dock and watched baby ducks, we enjoyed the sunshine. And it was good...

"Where'd the days go, when all we did was play? And the stress that we were under wasn't stress at all, just a run and a jump into a harmless fall." 
~ Paolo Nutini

It's all about perspective...trust me. 

This photo is of the baby ducks on our pond and their momma, of course. They are getting so big. I moved a bit too close and they all "PEEP, PEEP, PEEP'd" at me. When they realized momma trusts me, they came around to swim near my feet. Hamish likes to watch them. He's interested but not dangerous to them. In the warm sun of the early morning, watching the ducklings reminded me...don't take it all too seriously, we're only here for a minute. 

What Happened to Monday?

Last night, I sat down before bed, wrote a fairly long blog post, added a photo and...it's not here. The only thing I can think of is I shut down before it fully posted...bummer...

Lately I'm in that place where I remember that once upon a time, I was on track to my own self awareness. Not in a hokey, new agey way. I think the path to self awareness is different for everyone who seek to find deeper meaning to his or her existence.  I'm missing that part of "me" that I used to be very in touch with...

"Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes." ~ C.G Jung

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I don't have much to say today, aren't you lucky. I'm just in a bit of a mellow mood. I wish I had a car, I'd go sit in Pennan, with a book and my dog and drift away. Which brings me to this photo. I took it last week. When my husband and I go to Pennan, it usually works out that he sits on a bench while I wander with my camera. Nobody gets why I do this, people stare at the randomness of some of my photos. But every picture I take, is one influenced by my emotions. I look at something, it makes me feel a certain way, I photograph it and then, looking at the finished product, I smile. I can relive the emotional attachment as often as I like. 

"I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars and books; I have begun to listen to the teaching my blood whispers to me." ~ Herman Hesse, Demian

(Ahhhh....Mr. Hesse, you are ever so wise.)

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Apologies for my randomness today...I can't seem to organize my thoughts...too much on my mind...too much.

This photo was taken, in Pennan of course, while I watched this fishing boat coming around the bluff. Pennan is too small for a fishing boat this size so he was likely on his way down a few miles to Fraserburgh. When I took this photo, the only thing that came to mind was Van Morrison's "Into the Mystic".  I instantly knew how I'd edit it too. Have you done that? Taken a photo perfectly lovely on its own, and knew you'd change it to something else. Photographic mood ring. I should call this edit the "Cari is being sentimental" edit. ;) Back home in L.A., when the stress of everything got to me, I would put Van Morrison on and just escape the anxiousness of the moment. Pennan and Van Morrison are perfectly matched. I might be homesick, but I am so lucky to live here. All I need...is that car my husband promised me.

Oh, I've added the link to Into the Mystic for you, you're most welcome.

Into the Mystic - Van Morrison

Migraine Misfit

Today was awful. I woke up with the worst migraine in about 3 years. I did go out last night and have a few drinks, but far, far less than I've done before so I knew this was not a hangover type headache. The quality of migraine pain is extremely specific. It's hell on earth.  Some worse than others...this one was painful beyond description. 14 hours later, I am feeling better, enough to eat a bit of food, keep fluids down...keep pain medication down. Now...I have "migraine hangover"...something other "migraneurs" would understand.

Today, despite the incredible pain and nausea there was something more important than self pity and ice packs to concern myself with. My dog Hamish, having recently been diagnosed as diabetic, needed me to function early in the morning. He needed to eat, he needed insulin. So, I dragged myself up and did what was needed for his well being and health. Then...I collapsed on the sofa and didn't move for hours. The pain was so bad I was non-verbal, that's a first in ages.

When I woke up, each and every time throughout a day of pain that I woke up, Hamish was by my side, cuddling me. We take care of each other he and I. There is a bond between human and dog unlike any other. We cannot converse, yet we understand when each other are in pain. This morning, Hamish was more important than my pain and he sat by me through my sickness and pain, all day.

Today's photo is for Hamish, it's one I took yesterday while we were out walking. For me and my husband, there is nothing we would not do for him. He repays us with the kind of love only a dog can provide. He's our "baby". Dog lovers know...they understand.

Tomorrow will be the start of new, uniquely posted only here, photos...hang in there kids...I'm just getting started.

Have a wonderful evening...I need to go back to bed.

Do Overs and Other Beginnings, or Rather...Hello Day One...Nice to See You Again

About two months ago I began a blog specifically on photography to track my skills through the course of 365 days. 365 projects are not unique, photography is full of them. The blog I began was to force me out into the world on a daily basis, no matter what, to take photos, edit them as necessary and desired and to post them in the blog. Over the course of that 365 days, I was hoping to see a gradual but visible improvement of my photography and editing skills. I was seeking to create a goal and see it through to completion. I failed.

The last two months as it turned out, were not months that provided a smooth flow of work. These last weeks have been filled with sadness, worry, doubt, excitement, fear and self-questioning. My dog became very ill, I was going through some medical procedures (still am actually) and I was trying to gain my British driver's license. I kept pushing my blog away because it wasn't mandatory and I justified ignoring it due to what was going on in my life. I missed the whole point of a daily blog.

So now, again, I begin a 365 day project but this time with a bit more forgiveness of myself and ALSO a lot more ass kicking of myself. In other words, there shall be NO excuses. I hope not to fail. 

Some might say, why not just continue with the other blog, just keep posting there, why a new blog? The simplest way I can answer that is to say that I do not like sloppy work. I don't like calling something "daily" if I can only see sporadic episodes of activity. I need a clean slate, thus a new and hopefully improved blog. Yeah, I'm insane and don't forget, very type-A. 

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts." - Winston Churchill 

Here we go, begin anew. This time I will tell you, gentle and forgiving readers, that this blog will work daily. My format will not change. I will write a bit, quote a bit and post a photo. I may add a post appropriate clip art for your entertainment. I endeavor to present new photos -  fresh out of the camera and onto the "page" - taken the same day the blog post is written. You there, stop laughing! The goal is to use this blog as both a journal and a training ground. Re-training myself to follow through, to learn, to grow, and to improve. 

My photography is a reflection of how I see the world and how I see my self. The end result of my work is often moody and dark, sometimes it's bright and "happy"; it all depends. My photos are a bit like a mood ring. I have a peculiar eye photographically and I do not believe in nor follow rules. I simply do as I please. You can love it, hate it or not care about it, but it's my work. Any "likes" of my work, to use a horrible term of the day, made popular by a certain social networking site, are always, always valued and appreciated. I don't pay to popularize my posts. I don't go around begging for people to notice me. I'm here and you are welcome to visit, view, like, hate or comment.  

I'm going to shut the fuck up now and post a photo. I've posted this elsewhere today but I rather like it so it's gonna be here too. I was out walking my dog this morning when I noticed these neat-o mushrooms growing. I got down on my belly, on morning-wet grass, as ya do, and proceeded to take about 40 or so photos of these little fungi. Pictures from all angles. Consider yourself lucky, you only have to see the one. 

I love macro photography the most. I could wax philosophic about why...I'm doing it in my head as I type. Was going to spare you but here goes a bit of the why; macro photography captures things up close, where they cannot hide, where their detail stands out. It freezes the information in the item for all to see. These little mushrooms might have gone unnoticed by most people but I saw them from 10 feet away and I knew I'd be on the wet grass before long, taking their photos. I present them here, up close and personal, for you to see. I do this because perhaps you are one of those people who never sees the small, fine details of the living world. A photographer, whether good or bad, sees the world differently. We see the things most people pass on by. I'm here to show you, my perspective of this amazing world. 

Aren't you lucky?! *saaaarcasm*

Have a wonderful weekend you little monkeys...enjoy the photo. Let it remind you to open your eyes. There is so much life to see here.

For more of my photos, please visit me at: https://www.facebook.com/CapturedSoulImages